I Don’t Know

My whole life I tried to be perfect and to show up as someone who has everything figured out. On the other hand, I also admired and was inspired by those who allowed themselves to be vulnerable, to be transparent about who they really are. But, I wasn’t one of them. I saw vulnerability as weakness.

One of my first readings since I joined Homeward Bound was Dare to Lead by Brené Brown and her TED talk on vulnerability. I learned that in order to be a brave leader, I have to be willing to show up as I really am. So, here it goes!

I’m not perfect. I don’t have everything figured out. I don’t know how to achieve my biggest dreams in life. I don’t know how to save our planet. I just don’t know.

For many years, I struggled with keeping my professional and personal lives apart. I was a scientist, but I wasn’t able to use that knowledge to help myself or others. I wanted to make a difference in the world, but I wasn’t brave enough to make that stand and show up because I was afraid of people seeing me as I really am, with my flaws and struggles. I had extensive knowledge about health, but didn’t share it with others because I didn’t think I was qualified. I did everything I could to hide my interest in yoga, acroyoga, meditation, healthy diets, and biohacking because I didn’t want people to see me as a weirdo. I felt that no one will take me seriously as a scientist if I start sharing my personal passions. So, I kept all that knowledge to myself.

I grew up in a family that looked perfect from the outside, but on the inside we struggled with a history of addiction and only learned to communicate with each other about 2 years ago. I had a successful scientific career, but I didn’t feel that what I was doing was meaningful and lost interest. I used to be called “the girl with 1,000 friends” but no one really knew me. I wanted my life to be different, but was too lazy to make the effort. My deepest desire has always been to start my own family and to become a mother, but I wasn’t able to create a meaningful relationship to make that possible. I stand for honest, open, and transparent communication, but I have been lied to by those who are closest to me.

You might be wondering why I’m sharing all this. Well, I am a whole (akhanda – as I recently learned during my yoga teacher training) and I have to own my stories if I want others to know me and believe in me. If I want to be a leader, I have to accept my past to create a better future. And, I don’t regret anything in my life because it made me the person I am today.

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” 
― Brene Brown

And there is more… Currently, I’m a biohacker and a health advocate, but sometimes I also eat junk food. I know that drinking alcohol has a really bad effect on my health and I judge others for drinking, but I also drink. I suffered from asthma until I was 25 years old, and I still smoke from time to time. I’m a yoga teacher but I don’t practice yoga every day. I’m against pharma industry and taking medications, but if I have a bad headache, I take painkillers. I advocate for sustainability, but I still buy products that are wrapped in plastic. I fight against climate change, but I’m aware of my huge carbon footprint due to all my traveling.

I don’t do this all the time, but I’m not perfect and sometimes I do things that I know aren’t be best for me or the environment. Sometimes I do this out of ignorance, sometimes because it’s easier or socially accepted. Sometimes because I’m just human. I acknowledge the good and the bad in me, and I do my best to become a better version of myself everyday. I want to learn more everyday and share it with as many people as I can, so that we can all become better versions of ourselves for us and our environment. The first step to change, is awareness.

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”
― Mahatma Gandhi

In the past years, I went through many struggles as well as transformational experiences. From quitting my job, breaking up a relationship and leaving my hometown, to learning Vipassana meditation, doing a yoga teacher training in India, hiking the Camino de Santiago, and traveling the world as a digital nomad. All that made me the person I am today. Everything that happened in my life, happened for a reason.

I used to avoid talking to people, and now I allow myself to be visible, to talk to people and ask them questions without judging, because I don’t like feeling judged. My social media was full of amazing landscapes because I didn’t like myself enough to upload photos of myself. Now, thanks to the visibility challenge I accepted as part of Homeward Bound, I’m showing up and allowing myself to be seen. Sometimes I have to face judgment or criticism, but most of the times the warmth and inspiration of those around me make every struggle worth it.

Now, I have the opportunity to be part of this once-in-a-lifetime experience, with 94 brave women from all around the world who are fighting climate change to save this planet for all of us. Sometimes I still feel I don’t deserve it, but I know I have what it takes and that everything that happened in my life up to this point, was meant to be. I know that I want to learn how to become a better and braver leader who will be able to communicate science in a way that will create real change. And, I trust in the process!

What is different for me this time? This is bigger than me, it’s bigger than all the women in Homeward Bound. We can’t procrastinate anymore on our planet. This is our home. Because there is no planet B.  

I’m not perfect. I don’t know everything, but I’m learning. I’m not an expert on climate change, I don’t know all the solutions, but what I do know, is that our planet needs us and it has to be NOW. I do know science and I learned to communicate. And I have faith in us to make the change that our planet needs.

I want to start being the change I wish to see in the world. I want to start with myself, auditing my lifestyle and learning what I can do to make a difference. I want to collaborate with all these amazing women from around the world and learn from them. I want to develop the leader in me that I have been hiding for a long time. I don’t know what the trip to Antarctica will bring, but I know that “Mother Nature needs her daughters”… and I’m here for her! And, if one day I have children, I want my kids to see and enjoy the world as we know it today, or even better if possible.

I know I can do this. I know we can do this. And I am ready to take that leap of faith.

With love,

Evguenia

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” 
― Theodore Roosevelt